This week has had it ups and downs. What should have been a week filled with happiness and surrounding myself with family turned into a place where I was stuck. I was stuck in a dark place inside my head. Living with depression, PTSD, anxiety and dark thoughts, takes over you. No, you can't just snap out of it. Even calling a friend doesn't always work. In fact, that is the furthest thing from our mind. We do not and can not be around people. Nothing really works until one day it does.
I had scheduled an appointment 3 weeks ago to get a full physical to find out what else could be wrong. Unfortunately, during this pandemic, staff is short, time is limited and everyone is in panic mode. This did not help things at all. My time with my doctor was cut short and we could only focus on one thing at a time. My priority for that day was my dizzy spells. Second was my mental health. Sometimes that doesn't even make it to second on the list. Because of the time limit we didn't get to that part so I went home confused, angry, and in worse shape. I don't share this story for pity or for advice or recommendations. I share this story because it is real life for those who suffer.
My head is a dark place at times and I am ashamed to admit that I ran out of my medication weeks ago. I wasn't able to get a refill until I had seen the Dr. So I tried to do things on my own.... The gym, writing, speaking, singing, sleeping... Now that the gym has closed I am completely off my game. I had my people. I had a routine. I had hope. When things change abruptly it can either make you stronger or put you in a place that gets confusing. Unfortunately I was the latter. I sleep more so that I can get rid of the what is inside my head. I isolate myself so that I am not questioned about "what is wrong". It was even mentioned yesterday that I used to be a bad ass. When did I become like this? That hurt. It stung because it was true. So WTF happened?!
I am better today. I still do not want to be around people but I am working on it. Depression comes in waves. There are triggers. There are ways to cope. There are just things that need to be worked on. Sometimes it takes being isolated in my space to where I am comfortable to be able to really think again. So before anyone judges the reality of what we go through, be careful with your words. It is dark in here and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Please be patient
So if we don't respond to your Facebook invites, don't respond right away to your messages, or don't call you back, it is because we just need time to heal. If we ask for space, then please give it. If we need to cry then let us shed our tears in silence. Please just be there as sometimes we just don't know what we need. As a mental health advocate myself, I know how dark It can be but I also know that I just need room to breathe. I am very lucky to have a family who knows when to just "leave her alone". I have been in places that I do not intend to go to again but the thoughts still cross my mind. I will be back. I know how to come back. There are just days where the depression really kicks your ass. From a person who has been battling depression for the past 11 years, a mother to two teenagers, a military spouse of over 21 years, an advocate, kick ass veteran, speaker, blogger and podcaster, I will get through this and so can you. Please be patient, I just needed some room to breath and get out of my head.